A Story of Forgiveness

This is an account of personal struggle, pain, and deep fear, that has been with me for nearly 44 years.  Of an egregious error that was made when I was only a few weeks old, of physical and emotional harm that altered the course of my life……

I have always had this deep passion for health.  It is more than an interest or inclination, it feels more like deep purpose that is driven by love and fierceness.  

As a child I was the one in the kindergarden class playing doctor. As the years went by in elementary and then middle school, I knew that my desired career paths were that of teacher, doctor, counsellor, healer.  There was simply nothing else.   I only wanted to understand sickness and pain, and help others get better.  

The only problem was, I needed to help myself first.

As a child I was adventurous, bold, sweet, sassy, curious, and sickly.  I was not diagnosed with my first autoimmune condition until I was 12, however, the journey to that diagnosis took over 11 years.

My mom often told me after I was diagnosed with diabetes that she always suspected that perhaps I was born with it or got it shortly after, as I always had fevers and would projectile vomit breast milk often. While I may not have had autoimmune disease as an infant, what happened to me when I was six weeks old, set into motion a series of illnesses that would forever change the course and quality of my life.

My childhood was riddled with illness and antibiotics. First allergies to eggs and milk (including the breast milk), followed by dust, pets, pollens, bananas, latex, honey, bees, other fruits and grains, and the list went on.  Then multiple strep infections every year, yeast infections, mono (Epstein Barr), and pneumonia. 

My pancreas could nolonger hold on after the multiple strep infections and Mono at age 10.  The attack was too strong.  The next 2 years were a major decline, the symptoms were very present, and finally my mom took me to the hospital where I was forced by 2 nurses and a doctor (literally holding me down due to my terror around needles) to have a blood test to determine illness, with Type 1 diabetes being the result.  I won’t get into the journey or battle that was, or the effects that illness had on my mental or emotional health.  But I will say that from then on, part of my spirit felt broken.  I kept going, like the stubborn ass I am, but I lost a bit of that passion, courageous joy and fierceness, my spark. 

I grew up to work long and hard, to try to follow through on the education I wanted so that I could have the job and life of my dreams, but that story did not go well either.  I existed and survived. Outwardly I was productive and kind, inside a part of me died and never really recovered.

As I went through my twenties and early thirties, I kept my nose to the ground and pushed on, feeling sicker every day.  More diagnosis stacked up, Hashimotos (autoimmune) hypothyroid, fibromyalgia, IBS, rheumatoid arthritis, carpal tunnel.  I was in pain all of the time.  I could not remember what it felt like to feel well.  To be honest, I don’t think I ever knew what it felt like to be well.

My doctors and specialists did their due diligence.  They could never really figure out what was wrong with me.  I did the tests, ultrasounds, other diagnostics.  I was taking my meds, the anti-depressants, surely I should be fine right?

After the age of thirty four there was a major change for me, and my life and health took a completely different direction.  The shift to holistic health provided answers and solutions that allopathic medicine was never able to offer me.  As you probably already know, I reversed most of my conditions including many of the allergies, IBS, carpal tunnel, rheumatoid arthritis, depression and anxiety.  I healed from things that all of my doctors told me I could not recover from.  I still have diabetes due to the damage to my pancreas, and hypothyroid due to over a decade of meds and glandular atrophy.  However I have not given up hope that this can still be corrected, as I have full belief that it can.

During this last year, while I have not been suffering with my illness, emotionally there has been a lot of rise.  There has been opportunity to explore a lot of the true cause of my illnesses (beyond the diet, the toxins, the pathogens).  When something is brought up for us emotionally over and over again, triggers,  we are given the chance to heal these wounds.  This last year I have had to recurrently face my biggest triggers:

VACCINES & LOSS OF FREEDOM

Why are these my triggers?

Before you stop reading because you may think like many others, that I am simply an “antivaxxer” (which I think is a dismissive and offensive term), let me tell you now that this whole conversation thus far has been about experience and illness, and perhaps you need to let me explain what I mean by vaccines and loss of freedom being triggers for me before you decide to place your judgement.

To be clear, I am PRO CHOICE.  This year more than ever, these two things (freedom and vaccines) have been triggers for most of us, and the opinions are polarizing.  I can tell you from my own experience and education, that these opinions are just that, and people form their opinions, beliefs and judgements, based on their own experience or lack of, and their education or lack of. What I shared with you above is not opinion, it is fact. It is part of the story of my life, and my suffering. I am not alone in the type of experiences I have described above.  Many people are suffering.  Many will continue to suffer.  And hopefully many, like myself, will begin to seek real answers and solutions, and find their health & freedom.

This brings me to LOSS OF FREEDOM.

We have all lost so many freedoms this last year.  And most of us are angry about something, some freedom that we perceive we have lost or are going to lose as a results of the current health crisis and lockdowns.  For me, loss of medical freedom is one of my biggest fears, not just for myself, but for all of humanity.  I would not have ever gotten well if I had only listened to the advice of my standard medical professionals! After exhausting all efforts in the medical system, I placed my trust in God and took a different path.  Many holistic health practitioners like myself have been frustrated this last year, not just because basic true healing measures like diet, lifestyle, and emotional resilience have been completely unacknowledged by most of the medical profession even at this critical time, but last spring our hands were tied and any social post pertaining to natural health for immune support was taken down, banned even. Most holistic health professionals were willing to give away free information and support.  There was no pressure, no money grab, just support.  Ask yourself, why would life promoting and possibly life saving information be banned?  In a time of health crisis, when it has been determined that the most vulnerable are those with underlying health issues such as heart disease and diabetes (which are known to be healed with diet and lifestyle changes) why should ANY information that helps people to heal be taken down from social platforms?  I will let you ponder that yourself.

To be clear, professionals were not offering a “cure”, we were trying to offer support that would let your body do what it was designed to do which is “HEAL ITSELF”. 

This brings me to the second trigger that I am still healing, VACCINES.

Up until my 34th year, I got all of my vaccines, including my yearly flu shot.  Despite the fact that they terrified me.  Despite the screaming feeling in my heart and my gut.  Even despite the days of illness and swollen arm after due to the diary and egg allergies.  Until I learned better.

Here is the thing.  I don’t begrudge anyone their right to choose.  Hence my support for medical freedom.  When I work with clients every day, what I witness and bring into alignment for people is their individual healing.  Each person is different, and each human need is different.  What is safe for one person, is not safe for another.  One person can eat peanut butter by the spoonful, the other person can’t be in room with peanuts.

So, while while all arguments for vaccine safety usually runs along the line of:

• I got them and I am fine
• The amounts of the ingredients is so little, it can’t harm you
• They are proven safe and effective

I would like to point out some simple facts:

• Even a little amount of any ingredient can be extremely harmful to someone who is allergic or intolerant to it!

 

• When our bodies perceive a substance as a stressor or a threat, we can develop lifelong intolerances and allergies to these substances.  You may be allergy free and think this is not a big deal, but ask someone who has had reactions to common foods their entire life how they feel about.  How it affects their life, their freedom, their enjoyment of every day activities and social engagement.  How it may keep them living in fear everyday just because of one simple ingredient!

Are you aware the most common stabilizers (food for viruses) in vaccines are dairy and egg proteins?  There is also a form of sugar (glucose or dextrose) which is most often derived from wheat.  Not surprisingly, these are the 3 most common allergens and food intolerances, with the dairy/milk and egg allergy or intolerances often showing up in childhood.  These common ingredients are used to grow the virus in (which makes it food for other living viruses that you come into contact with, furthering your reaction to these substances).

Other ingredients include gelatin (from pork usually), antibiotics, aborted human fetal tissue, monkey kidney tissue, MDCK cells (cocker spaniel), mercury, aluminum, formaldehyde, and more.  Why do these matter?  Well see below!

• When you are given a vaccine you are injecting foreign protein and matter directly into the muscle tissue, bypassing normal immune pathways (inhalation or ingestion). This sets up an intelligent response by the body to attack and reject foreign invaders in the tissues.  For those of us with strong immune systems, this intelligent attack from the immune cells can create a hyper-immune responses, and can set the stage for autoimmunity. Yes, the rise of autoimmunity has been shown to coincide with vaccinations.  Autoimmunity is currently the third leading type of critical illness, just behind cancer and heart disease, and numbers affect approximately 8% of the population, however autoimmunity is largely undiagnosed and this number is has been estimated to be over 12-15% and rising every year!.  Many people can go for a decade or more with symptoms before having any diagnosis, and those with hypothyroid are often not diagnosed at all as medical tests are not usually done to establish antibody reactions because the treatment (synthroid or dessicated thyroid) is given regardless.

Now, there is much more info that I could give about vaccines, but this is not what this story is about.  This is about my experience, and my pain points that I am trying to heal right now.

I know that most of us are scared right now. We may be scared of getting sick, we may be scared of losing our income, our job, our freedoms, our connection with others.  Many of you will choose to take a vaccine in hopes of alleviating your suffering, or because you think that it is the best way for you to save others.  And while I have researched the current vaccines for nearly a decade, and have followed this last one for the year, and can not agree with you and will not take this vaccine, that choice is yours. 

What I would however urge you to do is this:

• If you felt before this that all people must be vaccinated, ask yourself now, would you be willing to subject all others to the real potentiality of decades if not life long debilitating illness that could result from taking any vaccine?  Would you remove the choice another human (especially a child) should have to a healthy choice for themselves, simply because you currently fear getting sick?  Would you be willing to subject someone who is currently healthy and has a 99.7% chance of complete and total recovery from 1 current virus, to a lifelong immune compromised state and over reaction to all future viruses?

 

• Acknowledge that you are not likely being given the right to informed consent.  

Typically, when you are prescribed a new drug, your pharmacist will direct you to a list of possible adverse side effects.  Right now you are being told things are “safe”, however you have not likely read the list of ingredients and potential side effects, how the drug (vaccine) works, and you likely have no idea what the true reports are for injury.  There is ZERO liability to the manufacturer or practitioner if you get ill, and over 4 billion dollars has been paid out so far in vaccine injury lawsuits.  True accounts and numbers of adverse reactions and deaths are suppressed by the media and manufacturers, and they should not be. 

This last week I have been diving deep into letting go of these TRIGGERS.

I have had to fight hard my entire life just to be alive and be well.  I am finally at a stage in my life and health where that fight nolonger needs to take place.  I am well.
I am insulin dependant.  Every day is a gift for me.  Without this medication I would die in a short period of time.  I have the full realization of my human vulnerability, and yet I do not fear dying.  I have spent most of my nearly 44 years fearing life and people, and now I finally feel more free.  

What I am doing now is reconciling my lifelong distrust of humanity.  My feeling like I don’t belong.  The trauma that has been in my body and mind since I was 6 weeks old and suffered vaccine injury from the DPT vaccine.  

I am needing to FORGIVE.

Forgive myself for the poor choices of my past that may have kept me from getting well.
Forgive myself for what I did not know before.
Forgiving an ill informed and largely corrupt medical system, that in over thirty years managed to keep my alive, but never allowed me to get healthy or well.

But mostly, forgiving other humans that may or may not have known that they were causing me harm, and learning to trust in humanity again.  

I know that until people can see beyond fear, innocent lives will be continue to be lost as a result of that fear.  Humans have always been fighting, and sadly the division we are seeing this last year has clearly illustrated this.

For me to heal, I must separate myself from the fear, and forgive. 
I need to live my life in compassion.

So for those who have thought my viewpoints on health or aversion to vaccines foolhardy or lacking compassion, perhaps now you can see that my perspective is to save all lives from harm, not just now, but for generations to come.

This current virus will pass.  It will mutate, become something new, and pass again. All viruses do. But the disharmony and potential harm from the shifts in power, freedom, and health, will have effects that go on. 

The “treatments” we are currently being offered and perhaps will one day be forced to take, may be the true decline of human health for all generations to come, forever disrupting the pure and perfect healing program God has gifted us all. 

 How do we heal from that?

How do we heal from all of this?

Forgiveness will be needed, and is where we must start.